I was talking to one of my friends today and we were discussing how moms (or other caregivers) often won’t buy something special or do something special for themselves. He said:
“Maybe it’s time to just say to hell with it and do it.” In my case, I had mentioned spotting a grey and black plaid patterned wool skirt that I had walked on by at Marshalls, even though I wanted it. He asked why I didn’t buy it, and I quickly replied that the heels I owned were dog-eared. (Literally. My dog had chewed one up, making it wobbly.) He realized that I had wanted the skirt but simply didn’t have shoes to go with it – so he posed the question - Why not buy (both of) them? So, I started considering – maybe it was time to purchase new attire. It has been a year of deep grieving since I lost my dad, that in turn, has been a period of self-discovery for me as I realize, 1.) I am not immortal and, more importantly 2.) Really, who the hell am I, and what am I doing with my life? (I want to BE someone.) As such, I’ve been writing a series of blogs, in a cathartic manner of self-discovery that’s beginning to help to define myself. I had lost my identity and didn’t know where ‘me’ as a mother and wife began or ended, and who I, as a person, was. As of late, I have been identifying attributes I didn’t know I possessed, while I discover who the real me is. ‘The struggle is real’ bodes well for me, but the journey has been an amazing ride so far! I’ve wanted to step more firmly into the role of writer, so I wanted to treat myself today to new attire that would more closely match who I now identify as. I had been wearing solely yoga pants when I was plus sized and now that I have trimmed down to a regular size, I’ve been wearing jeans, Tees and hoodies. Hardly what makes me feel spectacular. Don’t get me wrong – I see many ladies in cute jeans and Tees and they look amazing. But for me, when I take the time to work on my makeup, I want to feel dressed from head to toe in business professional attire, especially when I go to a public venue to write my blogs and currently, as time permits, a novel. So today at Winners, I quickly found some amazing pieces. I bought the black skirt. I bought the shoes, the blouse and the blazer style jacket. But… I also purchased another skirt, another jacket (sweater) and even one more blouse. I know, right?!? I couldn’t believe it myself! I couldn’t make up my mind between any of them. They were all beautiful, and fit just right, as though they had been lying in wait for me with my new-found dress size after losing 46 pounds. The entire cost was $200 for seven pieces including the shoes, which essentially would add up to a huge variation in ensembles, since each piece could be mixed and match with the others. It was a smart move for an entire business professional wardrobe for just $200. The quality was impressive. But, it was also a bold move, on my part. Because I wasn’t used to doing this. I felt guilty as hell. Before gingerly laying my items down on the sales counter, I’m not gonna’ lie. I had buyer’s remorse before I even made the purchase. I had excuses up my sleeve to prevent myself from buying new attire. I wanted to scoop them all up and put them away, to be kept safely away from my wallet. I felt torn, though. I didn’t want to put the items back. Not one. As ai tried the clothes on I had found more of myself with each layer. The clothing was like a new part of me; a new piece to the puzzle that had long ago fallen to the ground, only to be scooped up again to be successfully fit into the puzzle. I had a breakthrough that allowed me to make the purchase for myself. I rationalized: This is not something that I do often. I also do not do this to try to BE beautiful. It is something that will boost and create a healthy self-esteem, to feel good about myself. It, in fact, has almost nothing to do with making myself ‘look’ better to others, but of boosting my own self-confidence which will only be of further merit in my day to day life. If I don’t believe in myself, why would anyone else?? Most importantly: If I feel good, I’ll be treating others in a better manner. As a caregiver, I’ve heard that to be the best caregiver possible to my children, it is important to take care of ‘self.’ I think of scenarios such as airplanes – we must put the mask on ourselves, first, to help our child, should we require oxygen. This is not to say that we always have to jump ahead of others. Not by any means. It simply is something I noted – that if we as moms or caregivers can take care of ourselves, it makes it easier to parent. It makes life better! Think of when you are hangry. If my blood sugar drops low, I feel as though I want to dropkick something as far as I can, LOL. So obviously, yeah, I get hangry at times. If I take care of myself though, and eat a snickers, or whatever satisfies me ha, then – I become a better person who is well equipped to deal with life and take care of my family in the best possible manner. Not only that, but – having indulged in a special treat helps to validate that I am a person, too. I count! (And guess what?!? *You* do, as well.) This is the hardest part for me to write, and to acknowledge, but - I deserve the clothes. I work hard to earn money and work hard as a parent, plus, I have many roles to tend to around the home. I deserve it. (‘It’ being whatever treat or pampering that helps.) I note now that writing it out and believing it are different, but in time, I will believe it fully. And so it is – you, reading this – as a parent/caregiver, you count. You have to try to do small things for yourself. Pamper yourself. Read a book, take a hot shower, sing in the shower even if you can't sing, sit in silence in the car parked at your favourite thinking spot or chat online with friends, write in a journal, smell a fragranced candle, order supper in, have a chai tea latte or a chocolate bar. Take a nap. Visit your friends (In real life.) Step on Lego spilled on the floor by the kids for an ultra firm foot massage. (Wait, no, don’t do that.) Just don't. Take it a step further…. BUY the book, the cute clock, the handbag, the shoes, the exquisite chocolate in the display case. BUY what you want to eat when dining out, don't order the salad because you know Johnny won't eat all of his kids' grilled cheese sandwich. Pamper yourself because if you don’t do it, no one else will know exactly how to do it. You know yourself best and know what to buy and how to treat yourself. Having worked in the cosmetics industry for over two decades, I was all aware of when customers would put forth the usual ‘excuses.’ And they were just that. “I’m just around the house, no one sees me.” “I don’t think I could take the time every day to do this.” “I’m giving myself a break from makeup, I want my skin to breathe.” I understood several things from my experience as a beautician: Moms feel guilty and often undeserving when they do something for themselves. Purchasing makeup or skin care for their daughters was never a problem, I noticed. Spending on themselves, however, was. Moms are a special bunch of people who put themselves last and others first. It becomes second nature to the point, they no longer think about themselves, and treating themselves. They seem to feel undeserving of a special treat. They feel guilty if they do spend money on themselves. By depriving themselves of ‘pretty things’ (AKA, self-care little treats such as cosmetics, clothing, purses, shoes, or even a special coffee drink at Starbucks), they are ‘tamping down’ who they are. STOP tamping yourself down. You are a mother or caregiver who freaking deserve good things. On a final note. I bought the shoes, as you know, but I discovered that I must learn how to walk again in heels, since it’s been so long. But the shoe fits, so I’m gonna’ damn well wear it. Erin Flanagan Stashko Sept. 9, 2018
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AuthorErin Flanagan Stashko Archives
December 2018
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